So, this outfit was shot quite some time ago.
I go through ups and downs in my life all the time. That’s one of the annoying things about living with depression. But this was a particularly uncomfortable time.
When I look back, nothing was too different from what it is now. Still had the admirable boss, amazing partner, and awesome living circumstances, but at the same time, everything felt different, and people around me noticed the difference. My mother was starting to comment on my steadily growing waistline, clothes weren’t fitting anymore, and projects that I had started had to be tossed to the corner because I could no longer zip them up. The weight-gain aside, throwing aside projects that I had poured hours into was soul-crushing. At my heaviest, I gained over 20% of my original body weight, which was horrifying, because I am not one of those people who weigh themselves often and to suddenly gain out of nowhere.. Those days wasted lazing on the couch watching those sitcom reruns and snacking on Doritos had caught up to me.
My supportive partner, bless his heart, pretended not to notice anything. That’s how these photos came to be–I suddenly decided, “I miss blogging! I want to do it again!”, he snapped some shots, and then when I saw these photos, evidence before my very eyes, I couldn’t do it. I threw in the towel, quit, gave up, swore of blogging for the rest of my life. I was so embarrassed.
It’s petty, I realise, when there are people out there with Real Problems™ (or even struggling with actual eating disorders, and there I was comparatively average-sized all things considered), but for me, more than the weight gain, it was just another piece of tangible evidence that I actually wasn’t doing okay. My poor skin, my tiredness, eating habits, lack of exercise, these were all signs of the swelling storm inside.
I don’t know how I pulled myself out of the rut, so I don’t know how I’ll do it if it happens again, but I’m out, I’m free (for now)! For me, it’s become really important to focus on myself for a little bit. Finish some sewing projects (see my last post, ha), go and do something outdoors, actually talk to people outside my family. Everyone always told me to think positively but I’ve always felt as though false positivity is just another form of denial. Accepting the bad days gives me more appreciation of the good ones, and that’s how I’m trying to deal, moving forward. Appreciating little wins and acknowledging shitty situations when they arise.
Now that I’m blogging again, I feel warm and happy to know that there are still people out there, actually interested to some degree in what I say or do, and it’s a feeling that doesn’t compare. I met my best friend Kirsten through my blog and I like the idea that another friend is on the horizon somewhere.
But the exciting part is that I feel like I’ve found my passion again and as such, I feel more fulfilled, and life is heading in a wonderful direction.